Mondayne

SORRY ABOUT NOT REPLYING to your comments, and for not posting all about Paris, but I have been STRESSSED. And not the good stressed where you're busy, but the good-ol-fashioned, self-loathing, downward-spiral, like-I-used-to, insomnia-indusing, pointless-worrying, other-hyphenated-phrases kind that I've mastered over the years*. Let me show you a list of what is stressing me and we can play a game (you read the list, give me much-needed, but obvious advice, and I will endevour to follow said advice but inevitably not follow through with such advice. It'll be fun for the whole family!)

1. Working in the USA. Not going to happen unless some sort of miracle.
2. Working in the UK. All good to go except for a minor technicality which could bring down the whole system.
3. Money. We have a bit left but without a job it could run out soon. Well no, we do have a few months worth, but I'd rather than be saved for travel.
4. Getting a job. Well, I need one, so that's stressing. But not too overwhelming.
5. Getting a good job. This is much more important.
6. My portfolio. I can't seem to get my designs out, in a style I'm happy with. Or that accurately represents my attitude, abilities and desires.
7. My ability. An old but a goldy. I have no confidence left. I don't know how I get like this, but it seems like unless I constantly distract myself with something or other this feeling pops up again and again.
8. The return of my depression. I feel it coming on. I've been trying to cram it back down into that dark hole where it leaves and turns into ulcers, but every night for the last few weeks I've been falling asleep only to wake up with heart-pains and an overwhelming sense of terror. I guess that's more anxiety than anything.
9. Disappointing myself and others. I've got this nagging feeling that if I don't make it to NY or London that I would have not only wasted a year in Ireland, but also missed my only chance for success, happiness and fulfilling my dreams.
10. Guilt for making UNG feel guilty about not being able to go to NY. I know she feels that way, but I don't have any sort of resentment about it towards her. But I feel guilty for making her feel guilty, which I wish I didn't do.

Hooray! Fun times for everyone!
IESSO

* Patent pending