FAMILY TIES

HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT FROM AN EMAIL I SENT TO DERMOT REGARDING A PROBLEM I HAVE WITH MY MOM. ENJOY!

"Dermot

Deep and meaningfuls tonight, so watch out!

Being your age and all I was wondering how your parents treat you. My parents see me as their special little boy, which is fine I guess when they're in a good mood, but when my mom gets depressed (as she often does, and drink 8-9 glasses of wine, and starts crying) being the little boy becomes very difficult. I am forced to tread on VERY thin ice, either I obey her depression and listen to her, nodding and adding 'i'm so sorry' everyone once in a while, or I actually voice my opinions which may be against hers or something she doesnt want to hear, or from the opposite perspective and risk (or rather certainly) having her hate me. Either I get hurt by having her badmouth my father or relatives or whoever, or I hurt her but saying something against her point of veiw.

My mother is not the most understanding of people, she cannot listen to others points of veiws. It makes it EXTREMELY difficult to have an actual conversation with her, without her getting really mad and hold a grudge (which she does so well, everytime we have these talks she HATES me more and more). She says she doesnt want to end up in the same relationship that she has with her mother, never talking and hating each other, but I can see that happening if things keep going like this. If she wants me to listen to her vent that's fine, although I may resent it I can understand the need to talk, but she always forgets that A) i have no idea what she is talking about because she never lets me in B) I'm her son, not her psychiatrist C) If i was her pyschiatrist I would be able to offer counter-points without worrying about it being so deeply personal D) She would value the psychiatrists opions, because she doesnt value mine.

I can never argue with her because she treats me like some dumb kid, or I am terrified that I will upset her, and cause her to hold a grudge, so I dont say anything. So then she doesnt want to talk to me. Which is not good at all.

So tonight she was complaining about my grandparents and how they treated her. I tried to listen for a while not really imputting anything into the conversation and after a few hours I got sick of it and started suggesting things that might make her think. No. She gets mad! And i can hear a hatred in her voice. She can transfer all the hatred she has of her parents onto me. And its not temporary either, it adds up. I snapped and said all the things that ive written above about wanting to be seen as an adult, thus having opinions and that im not a psychiatrist but i will listen, but that she needs to remember that im her son, and things can hurt me...

she got really mad, and i got frustrated, and she thinks that i dont want to listen to her, but i kept insisting that I want to listen, but I also want to help her, but that that wasnt my job, but i would do it anyway, and that i love her, and want her to be happy, but i dont know how to bring her happiness.... etc etc etc...

she said "fine, I wont say anything to you"

I snapped. "No! That's exactly what I dont want to happen.! I want you to talk to me, but I need you to listen to me... etc etc"

"I do listen"
"But you dont listen to my opinions"
"I listen to your opinions ALL the time" *Bitter hatred

I feel like my opinions are not that of a friend or an equal but of a nuasance or a nagging son or someone selfrighteous

She told me I have no idea what Im talking about, and that everything I think is just my perception of reality.

OF COURSE IT IS! What else is there? I want to understand you, but I cant understand unless I can have a conversation and I cant do that unless I ask questions which may be offensive, which of course I cant do.

I dont know what to do or say. I feel torn between many different emotions. Firstly and most importantly I want to help my mother feel happy, BUT I need to be seen as equal or at least someone who's opinions are taken seriously, but in order to have valid opinions I need to understand the situation... etc etc.. basically, it all boils down to my mother holding grudges. I tried talking to her about that and apparently she doesnt. EVERYONE can see them. My dad, my brother, my uncles and aunts, my grandparents, they all see that my mother holds grudges and this pushes people away. I dont want to be pushed away so i dont say anything, therefore not helping her other than mindlessly listening, listening to her repeat herself over and over again, never making progress, just replaying the pain and guilt and anger in her mind.


I dont really expect any opinion, and I am fully aware of the complete amount of hypocrisy inherent in this email. But the difference is i completely and utterly value your opinions, however misguided or unsubstantiated they may be (although they've been pretty dead on so far)

From a terrified, guilt-ridden but also slightly angry
Elliott"

IESSO

PS. If you guys have opinions please let me know...