Let's just bypass the multitude of psychological probelems inherent in the image for a second and move on to less obvious issues for a moment. I promise to return soon...
I was speaking to my psychiatrist the other day about my love life. I said that I feel unworthy of love, and having a girlfriend. I told her that since I broke up with A that I am terribly insecure and not deserving a girlfriend. She, of course disagrees.
She told me something interesting, and at the time I just dismissed it as psycho-babble, but I've thought about it, and perhaps it has some weight to it.
A and I were just kids when we started going out. We were young and experienced with life, and all that goes with that. And we grew up together. This is why I've found it so hard to get over things. In it's truest sense in breaking up with her I've lost my identity, and a major part of ME. We grew up together, side by side, as one person really. My experiences of life were her experiences too. When we began our relationship neither of us knew who we really were, we had no true self identity. We formed an identity with each other, in each other.
So the feelings that I have are more than just understandable, they were inevitable. Of course I feel like I've lost the most important person in my life, because (at the risk of sounding even more self abosrbed than usual) I lost half of my self.
So when you criticise me for not getting over the breakup sooner remember that my situation is probably not like yours. I didn't lose a girlfriend, I lost my identity. A was never a proper girlfriend, dispite what I thought at the time, she could never have been a girlfriend, in order to be in a relationship the two parties need to bring their own elements to the relationship. In a crude analogy imagine my perceived relationship as a party: People go to parties and bring with them their own identities and that makes the party interesting, different people doing different things. We showed up not knowing what to expect, or what to do, and made our own party. Then she left. And a party with one person who doesn't know how to entertain himself sucks.
Just ignore any temptation to take my analogy in the self-pleasuring context, that is NOT what I mean.
Sick sick bastards.
And now it's time to face my demons and talk about this drawing. You could analyse it in so many ways: Let's just first start by saying that 'who needs a girlfriend if you can draw your own?' But more than that let's just look at it from an artistic perspective: Is it drawn well? Did I draw it for that reason anyway? Is it a form of pornography? It's only purpose is to generate arousal? And if this is the case, why is she wearing clothes and posed in a relatively neutral position. No, I don't think it is a pornographic image. BUT why do I continually draw women? Am I trying to fill the void? Perhaps, but obviously this does little more than freak my friends out.
More answers than questions, once again. Remeber that I ran out of my medication on thursday, so this is a somewhat logical downward spiral in emotions.
IESSO
PS. If someone wants to kill me, please do, consider it a mercy killing.
PPS. I was going to put this title for the post: "If this is not you, applicants for potential girlfriend need not apply". But then I thought that that was just plain mean. And I don't mean the concept of applying for such a thing, just the term need not apply doesn't seem like it's any nicer than we don't want you.
