THINGS

I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend today. It wasn't a bad letter. It was good I guess. But it's made me think. Actually it didn't. I'm only thinking about things now because it really had no emotional impact on me at all. It made me happy I guess, but that's about it.

I have absolutely nothing to say about her. But I have this nagging feeling that I should write something.

I wanted to talk to the unamed girl about this, but what is there to say? Nothing really. i wanted to talk to my friends instead but again there isn't anything to say. I really am nuetral about the whole thing, which freaks me out. if this was a year ago I'd probably be relapsing into the downward spiral of pain i knew so well, but im not.

I'm happy with my life at the moment. I'm doing some design work that people are happy with [and sometimes I am too], I've got a positive outlook on life, with the possibilities and potential to back it up. There is a girl that I really like. Things aren't too bad. So what's with this empty feeling I have in my soul?

Maybe it has to do with 'the meaning of life'. I don't feel right. I'm overwhelmed with things that are working for me, and have the potential to blossom into total awesomeness, but why then do I feel that something is wrong? I wish my shrink was here. Is a career the meaning of life? Love? A family? I don't know. Surely there is something more than these things. Even contentness with your own being seems to simple. Surely striving for an inattainable goal is better than reaching a goal and being happy with that. But that seems to pesimistic. Too sad to try your whole life to do something and ultimately fail.

As I've said I'm not happy with my design work. I can do better, and I will do better. But that's not all life is. So what about love then? Love seems to be much more important that a career. if you have love, it doesnt matter what you do. someone who loves you and is in love with you makes you blind to everything else. But that seems to naive.

And besides, my career has some potential to grow, as does my current [unamed and vaguely defined but nontheless wonderful] relationship. So why do I feel so strange? Maybe I need to take my meds. Its been a few days.


Please forgive me for this post. I dont want to upset anybody. I just needed to share my emotions. This blog was originally my online journal, replacing the now defunct physical journal. I hate the self-censorship i have to place on it, especially keeping it from the eyes of unamed persons. But some information needs to be written down, and this is the place for it.

IESSO

PS. Having a crappy day. Linus makes a list of good things on his bad day, so here it goes:

BAD

1. Didn't show up to work today, Sebastian is annoyed and worse; disappointed.
2. Got an email from Amanda, bummed out a bit.
3. Made someone catch the wrong train and then that lead to missing her train, and then catching another wrong train and eventually stretching the travel time to 3 hours instead of 45 minutes. Feel guilty as hell.
4. Dont feel worthy of going to a party we were supposed to go to tonight.
5. Generally miserable.

GOOD

1. Doing some good work at Liveworm, my portfolio is getting better and better.
2. Nice to hear Amanda is doing well, even if it does remind me we have nothing to talk about.
3. Good to spend time with a certain someone. Enjoy every second with her.
4. Not dead?