ON THE UPSIDE

i had another dream about her. this one was similar to all the others. but different in several key ways:

1. she was beautiful. in most of my dreams about her she's nice looking, cute and all that, how she really looks, but this time she was beautiful. i had never seen her look more radiant. her eyes sparkled, her hair was perfect, she was absolutely wonderful. she was perfect.

2. i went to her place. which is where i always go. i used to live there too. it was my old apartment in spring hill, and where things were best, and worst between us. and i was in her bed. we were lying down. it was basically like the last time i saw her. but last time i got up and left on a sour note, this time she did the talking.
"elliott, i love you. I'm sorry about all the hurt i've caused. i miss you. i want to get back together with you."
i was shocked. it was what i wanted. "i want you to move back in", she said.
"no. i can't do that. i love you too. i always have loved you, but i can't move back in. we need to figure this out, and not just rush back in."

then i woke up.

i was happy. it was one of those dreams that are soo real, that you beleive them. except this didn't happen. and it wasn't very real at all! it was realistic, but not real.

i'm not sure if i'm upset that much anymore. writing this now is sorta gettin' me down, but not really. thinking about her can make me upset, but i can shrug it off pretty quickly. but i still can't escape from her in my dreams. every night i dream of her. EVERY NIGHT! it's like some sort of torture. so if you wonder why i won't just let it go, or just stop thinking about her, it's because i physically can't. i actually can't stop thinking about her. every single day i think of her. i don't want to, i don't like it, i don't want to dwell, or depress you guys, or be depressed myself, but i can't stop.

well, that's about all i can say. i don't really expect any sort of response from yuo guys. i don't want sympathy, or some reassuring words, or a hug or anything like that. i just type, and if you learn a bit more about me, that's good.

thanks for the support over the last year and a bit, it means a lot.
elliott